feminism and motherhood

I'm teaching Jamaica Kincaid's Autobiography of my Mother, and it's gotten me thinking more about motherhood as a concept. Why was I never drawn to it? Is it because it seemed so much what was expected of me? I think so. I didn't want to be the stay-at-home mom, so I refused to be interested in kids. In the book, Xuela refuses to be a mother, and I pointed out that when you're making decisions to be contrary, you aren't really free. I'm aware that I'm not free. My stance on motherhood isn't freely chosen. It's a desire not to be my mom, to have meaning in my life besides my family. I tell people I'm too selfish to have kids, and that's certainly true. There are many things I'm not willing to give up. But a big part of all this is a rejection. Not just of who I didn't want to be, but of who I didn't think I *could* be. A part of me believed I would never be loved, never be married. I had gotten that message: you're fat and unloveable. So I chose to reject the thing I thought I couldn't have. And there's the damage. In the thinking I can't have it. In the blocking.

I went to a panel today on motherhood and academia. There were about 7 women there, and I was pretty sure I was the only one there *not* wanting to have kids or already having kids. One point stuck with me, about how you learn to be more productive with the time you have. I haven't been at all making good use of my time. sometimes it's nice to hang out with graduate students and remember what it's like to have deadlines and papers.