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standing in my way
Apr. 22nd, 2006 06:11 pmI was grading at Barnes and Noble today and musing about the conversation I had with my therapist yesterday. I commented that I know I can do better, but I'm not, and I don't know why. It's been a repeating pattern. I had found some notes from last December where I was really going to work on making a change in my work habits, and I did NOTHING towards it. I make plans and resolutions and then nada. No follow-through.
I was thinking about this in B&N and I realized that part of my problem with grading, why my mind wanders so much, is that it isn't important. That's the message I have in my head. It isn't important. *Shrug*. I'd rather be working towards my goals by exercising or reading or maybe even writing (gulp). But I DO conceive of grading as important. It's about the most important part of my job: personal feedback and evaluation. Yet in my brain it isn't important whether I do it. Why? Well, perhaps because it never ends. Perhaps because when I finish one set, there are more, so it doesn't really matter when I finish. Perhaps because there isn't a solid deadline. I have to do it, but it isn't important *when*.
Then I noticed this book on the New Arrivals shelf. It has an intriguing title: GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY. It's by Robert Cooper, of whom I've never heard. I read the first chapter, which is about what your "brain" wants. He points out there is a difference between asking what you want and what your brain wants, because while you might want to save the world, your brain is pretty happy watching TV and eating cheetos. That made me smile in recognition. He says we have to figure out what our brains are after, and then work around it. This brought me back to my conversation with Carolyn, about avoiding risk. One explanation why I don't follow through is that I want to feel safe and avoid risk. If I finish all my grading, there is leisure to work towards my REAL goals. So finishing grading suddenly becomes risky--better to drag it out and protect myself.
Has anyone heard of Robert Cooper? I'm thinking of getting the book out of the library. His picture makes him look like an annoying Republican corporate guy, but his prose seems good and he incorporates a lot of research and he's upfront about why he does certain things.
Time to do the not-grading tasks for today, before I return to grading. It IS important that I finish grading, because deadlines really are now approaching.
I was thinking about this in B&N and I realized that part of my problem with grading, why my mind wanders so much, is that it isn't important. That's the message I have in my head. It isn't important. *Shrug*. I'd rather be working towards my goals by exercising or reading or maybe even writing (gulp). But I DO conceive of grading as important. It's about the most important part of my job: personal feedback and evaluation. Yet in my brain it isn't important whether I do it. Why? Well, perhaps because it never ends. Perhaps because when I finish one set, there are more, so it doesn't really matter when I finish. Perhaps because there isn't a solid deadline. I have to do it, but it isn't important *when*.
Then I noticed this book on the New Arrivals shelf. It has an intriguing title: GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY. It's by Robert Cooper, of whom I've never heard. I read the first chapter, which is about what your "brain" wants. He points out there is a difference between asking what you want and what your brain wants, because while you might want to save the world, your brain is pretty happy watching TV and eating cheetos. That made me smile in recognition. He says we have to figure out what our brains are after, and then work around it. This brought me back to my conversation with Carolyn, about avoiding risk. One explanation why I don't follow through is that I want to feel safe and avoid risk. If I finish all my grading, there is leisure to work towards my REAL goals. So finishing grading suddenly becomes risky--better to drag it out and protect myself.
Has anyone heard of Robert Cooper? I'm thinking of getting the book out of the library. His picture makes him look like an annoying Republican corporate guy, but his prose seems good and he incorporates a lot of research and he's upfront about why he does certain things.
Time to do the not-grading tasks for today, before I return to grading. It IS important that I finish grading, because deadlines really are now approaching.