a busy break

There's been so much going on that it's been hard to process. I had a very stimulating winter break. I was sick for a little while, which meant postponing our trip to Culleoka. J and I celebrated Christmas together in Knoxville by eating at the Sitar and sleeping. We visited my family in Crossville on the 27th, possibly picking up a new bug from my sister's kids. I hadn't seen them in ages. They've grown noticeably. On the 28th I flew to Philly for the MLA. I had much mental stimulation there and happiness at seeing old friends. In the book room I saw Eddie, Jason, and Dee from Iowa. I saw Florence in the hallway. There was a UT magnet apparently in the middle of the train terminal because suddenly 4 of us found each other. I spent one afternoon exploring Philly with Samantha. I got to talk to Bidisha a lot since we were sharing a room. It was so nice the 2nd day there to have someone to have breakfast with! I felt very happy. The next day when she had already left, breakfast was a melancholy affair. I attended 3 sessions at the MLA--I'll put up my private notes elsewhere, hopefully later today, before I totally forget. On the return flight I sat with UT faculty Mary Jo, David Ikard, and Michael Keene. Mary Jo will be on leave this semester to finish a book project. She has a deadline to help push her. Her husband Dan met her at the terminal, which I thought was sweet.

My return flight was on time so I had an hour to rest before travelling to Cookeville to honor my favorite professor at her retirement party. I was overwhelmed by the turnout and desperately wanting some introvert space. It's lovely to be able to claim that for myself now that I'm grown up. "No, I'm sorry, I love you and all, but I need to go introvert." It makes visiting people so much more enjoyable. After the party I went back to the hotel room while J went to Connie's house until the wee hours. The next day we had lunch with Kate, the wife of our army friend. It was the most time we'd ever spent with her. I'm glad we had chance to connect. J and I spent the afternoon in the hotel room reading, then we went to a New Year's Eve party at Chez Hood.

New Year's Day we drove to Culleoka for our delayed Christmas. It was a beautiful day and very relaxing. I had more time to read, too. On Jan 2 I went walking at the mall with J's dad, the first exercise I had in a while. I really needed it after my consumption of fudge the night before. On the way back home we stopped to visit with J's best man and his wife. We looked at their wedding albums and talked about our plans. Then we got home and crashed for several days. I appreciated that we had cleaned before we left so that the house was welcoming. I enjoyed using our own shower again.

The only dark spot in all this is that the mother of a good friend of mine died on Jan 2. Terry was a lovely lady, short and spunky. She had been having heart problems and was in a nursing home, but it was still unexpected and too soon.

cleaning

I spent the morning cleaning the bathtub. It still isn't perfect. But my fiance looked at it and said, "Wow! It's like living in a real house."
(beat)
I really should clean more often.

the great debate

One of the things on my mind lately is my name. When I wed, should I change it or keep it the same? My fiance doesn't care. My parents don't care. I'm not sure whether his parents care. It basically seems to be up to me.

Reasons not to: 1. It's a major hassle. You have to fill out lots of forms, get a new social security card and a new passport and a new DL and new credit cards and change your insurance policy names and your bank account and the forms to deposit money into your bank account and my federal aid debt and all that. A friend of mine after her divorce told me how it was even harder to change everything back. 2. Some outspoken feminists who I admire didn't change their name and see their refusal as an activist statement. E.g., why should I say I "belong" to a man? The days of coverture are long gone. 3. I'm worried that in the academy I'll be seen as less of feminist based on my new name. Whenever a friend of mine DOES change her name, I'm mildly surprised and thought, who knew? Who knew she was secretly not so feminist? This of course is an unfair thought. 4. We aren't planning to have kids, so we don't have the excuse of avoiding confusion. 5. I would be switching from a British last name to a German last name, which in effect makes me sound more american.

Reasons to do it: 1. It would be nice to sign presents from "J. & R. N." It would make it easier for you to send things to both of us. It would make it easier at the bank, to a small extent. People's minds around here seem to take a beat before they understand you don't have the same name. 2. Since most academic women aren't changing their name, I'd be unusual, which I like. 3. I want to. It's so silly. It's just--ever since I was a kid I thought I'd never get married and never belong to anyone else. I never practiced writing my name with another boy's initials. Okay, hardly ever. For me to share my fiance's name is to feel that we're truly a couple, a oneness, partners for life and death, if it comes. I want our gravestones to show our relationship, not leave passersby to wonder. I want to announce it to the whole world. I want it so that reading all the annoyances in Con #1 (above) seem almost pleasant, because they're all connected to this joy of my life.

Isn't feminism supposed to be about living our lives on our own terms, not by someone else's rules? Keeping my name the same just because it's feminist seems moronic.

So how crazy am I? I'm taking a poll. What would (did) you do? What would you advise me to do? I won't make a firm decision until after the wedding. And until after if I can figure out a graceful way to sign a capital N.